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It is an
all-too-familiar scene in families with more than one child –– the newest
addition is brought out wrapped in a receiving blanket and placed carefully on
the older child’s lap for inspection. After a few awkward moments of cuddling,
the eager parents ask their older child "How do you like your new
baby?" Although the child’s response varies, it often goes something like
this: "She’s nice. When does she go back?"
Crestfallen
parents take heart –– although this is not the warm and fuzzy homecoming you
envisioned, your child’s reaction doesn’t have to mean the beginning of a
difficult sibling relationship. Early childhood experts agree that although
jealousy and rivalry between siblings is normal and even expected, there are
many steps parents can take to insure that their children learn to respect, love
and even become good friends with one another.
Stem sibling
rivalry with a little creativity (and a lot of patience)
According to Beth
Duke, who leads workshops on effective parenting, requests for ways of stemming
sibling rivalry are tops among the questions she receives from her workshop
participants. She offers the following suggestions:
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Let your
children know that it is O.K. to have and to express their negative
feelings. Parents often try to talk children out of their less-than-positive
feelings by saying things like "But you love your brother. You don’t
really wish he’d get eaten by a Tyrannosaurus, honey." Rather than
trying to sway your children’s opinions, Duke recommends responding in a
way that lets them know that what they are feeling is O.K., ("You’re
angry because your sister took away the toy you were playing with"),
but at the same time offering appropriate ways of dealing with their
feelings ("It is frustrating to have something taken away that you are
having such fun with, but it is not all right to hit because you are angry.
Can you think of another way that you might handle this problem? Maybe you
could use your words instead of using your hands.")
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Don’t take
sides. Duke says that too often parents step in and try to figure out who
started a fight. She says that not only is this nearly impossible, but even
if you are sure who started the fight, taking sides only makes things worse.
"The more you stay out of minor fights," says Duke, "the
quicker they will likely resolve the dispute themselves."
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Allow your
children to work through their own problems. Duke says that siblings are
likely to fight less when parents step back and encourage their kids to
solve their own problems. She says that if everyone seems safe, children
should be left to work things out amongst themselves. "I am a big
advocate of parents giving themselves the time-out when it comes to their
children’s arguments," says Duke. "It is important for parents
to know that they don’t have to own, solve, or even get involved in their
children’s altercations. Allowing your children the freedom to work
through their own problems teaches them to take responsibility for their
feelings and their relationships with others."
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Realize that
no matter how perfectly you try to parent, you won’t completely eliminate
fighting and jealousy between your children. In fact, Duke says that
completely eliminating squabbles isn’t ideal. "Children need to be
able to practice their problem-solving skills in a safe environment such as
their family. An altercation from time to time is both healthy and good
preparation for dealing with people in the world outside of the home."
Some
suggestions from parents
Providing regular
opportunities for one-on-one time with each of your children goes a long way
toward stemming feelings of jealousy. For Claudia LeClair, mother of six
children ranging from 1 to 13 years old, structured, one-on-one time for each of
her children is almost an impossibility.
Despite this, she
and her husband Steve make a point to include their children individually as
they go about their day-to-day activities. "This may sound silly, but we
take advantage of activities like trips to the grocery store or the dump. Really
it seems less important what we are doing than that we have the opportunity to
have time alone with each of the kids."
For Diane
Connolly, parent of four children ages 4 to 10 years old, communication is what
works. "The one thing we do that is key is to have family meetings. We set
a time and all sit down together to talk about what’s bugging us, what’s
bugging them and to set some goals for making things better. We find that our
kids really take to heart what we discuss at those meetings."
Theresa Lasselle,
who has two children ages 4 and 6 and is expecting a third in August, says that
she sees very little rivalry between her children. She attributes this in part
to the fact that she and her husband Rich have never expected their older
daughter to be a caretaker for her younger brother. "Beyond making sure
that he isn’t in danger of being hurt, I have never asked Stephanie to babysit
or take care of David. That is my job. I have never wanted her to feel that
having a sibling is a burden. I want her to think of it as a gift.
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