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The years between elementary
school and high school can be confusing ones for families. One day you are snuggling on the
couch enjoying a video with your daughter, the next the only talking she wants
to do is with her friends on the telephone. Suddenly, your previously reserved
son wants to pierce his ear and bleach his hair.
What gives?
Dr. Lauren Ayers, psychologist and
nationally known author of books on adolescence, says pre-adolescent behavior
isn’t nearly as mysterious as it can sometimes seem. From around age 10 to 15,
children are experiencing not only enormous physical changes, but a heightened
awareness of the big wide world outside their homes.
Pre-teens experience an increasing
need to feel as if they "belong" somewhere other than in their family.
At school, they are under pressure not only to achieve academically, but also to
fit in socially.
With all this going on for kids,
Ayers says it is no wonder they can seem so unpredictable at times.
Encouraging the dialogue
As far as staying close in the
middle years goes, the most critical challenge for parents is to keep the lines
of communication open and strong, says Ayers. She offers some strategies that
have proven successful:
Be a concerned and caring listener
Ayers favors an approach she
calls "practicing senility." This entails listening, smiling, nodding,
but not reacting too forcefully to what your child has to say.
Ayers says that generally your
child doesn’t want the upshot of a conversation to be you dispensing advice.
It is often enough to simply listen in a supportive and sympathetic way.
"After about 10 to 15 minutes,
even the most hysterical youngster will have worked things through," says
Ayers.
Although it often goes against a
parent’s instinct to simply listen, she says that exercising the restraint and
allowing your child to work through his or her problems in your company will
serve your child well when faced with issues like drugs, alcohol and sex.
"Generally kids that have a
good foundation in this regard are less likely to be swayed when confronted with
hard decisions later on," says Ayers. "In pre-adolescence, what you
are doing by listening and being benign is teaching good judgment."
Consider a change of venue
When having an important
discussion, Ayers suggests taking a car ride or finding a quiet place that will
distance you and your child from other distractions, like the television, phone
or other family members.
Be supportive
Ayers says that when all else
fails, simply putting your hand on a child’s shoulder and telling him or her
"I think you are a great kid" or that life won’t always seem so hard
sends the very strong message that you value what they are going through,
understand that it can seem monumental and offer hope that things are likely to
become less confusing and difficult with time.
Parents of middle
schoolers give advice
The following advice comes from
parents who are currently finding their way through the middle school years with
their children.
Communication
- "I find that I have a captive
audience when we are in the car. Even though I often only get one-word
answers, I keep up the conversation and occasionally we will hit on a topic
that he really wants to elaborate on."
Practice empathy, rather than
judgment
- "Often children don’t want
a quick answer from you, but just a sympathetic ear."
- "It works wonders. This
doesn’t mean you should downplay their concerns, but a good laugh now and
again can really lighten the mood, particularly when things are getting a
little too heated around our house."
Avoid the power struggles
- Over blue hair, for
example..."My own parents were very authoritarian; it was either their
way or no way and it made me want to rebel all the more. So when my son tells
me he wants to bleach his hair, I say ‘Go for it.’ It is, after all, only
hair. But just because we go for one idea doesn’t mean we are going to allow
something more radical – something disfiguring, for example. We encourage
our kids to think things through before they make big decisions."
Homework
- "I don’t harp on him about
his schoolwork. We set standards and if his performance is below par, he knows
he will lose privileges.
Open door policy
- "We encourage our children to
bring their friends home when we are there, and we try to get to know who they
talk with on the phone or chat with online."
- "Carpooling gives us a
wonderful
opportunity to get to know our kids’ friends–to hear what they are talking
about and to learn about their interests."
Know the other families
- "This doesn’t mean you have
to socialize regularly with them. Simply get to know who they are, what their
rules are, whether they are home at the times when your child wants to
visit."
Display affection
- "I have never stopped being
physically affectionate with my kids, despite their occasional protests.
Although I respect their need for space, I will still persist in getting a
kiss or hug before I drop them off at school."
Tap into their interests
- "This doesn’t have to mean
dressing in flares and bleaching the tips of your hair, but simply expressing
a desire to understand what they like about rap music or why they are so
passionate about soccer."
Make time for one-on-one
- Go out to breakfast or make a date
for pizza and the movies on a regular basis.
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