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The middle school years usher in
many changes for kids-a more demanding school workload, increased
extracurricular activity, as well as frequent and often dramatic growth spurts.
One of the most significant changes is your child’s increased desire to
socialize.
Middle school is a time when
children begin to make new, more permanent friendships and seek out peers who
will help them define who they are. Although this is a normal, healthy
transition, it can also be unsettling for parents who may no longer feel their
influence is what matters most to their children.
Most often, peer pressure is
associated with activities we would very much like our kids to avoid-underage
drinking, drug use, smoking, sexual experimentation and other destructive
behaviors. However, peers can have an important positive influence. A lot
depends on who their friends are. The key becomes finding a way to help guide
your children toward those positive friendships, while allowing them the space
to find their own way socially.
Here are some things to try:
- Set up opportunities to
connect with your kids. Take a hike outdoors away from the TV or choose
a book that you both can read and talk about. This is a good way to find out
what they are thinking about and what’s happening in their lives outside
the home.
- Nurture your children’s
interests in new endeavors. Extracurricular sports and after-school
clubs or enrichment programs are a good place for them to make new friends
with similar interests. It also means they are supervised and busy with
meaningful activities when you are not with them.
- Encourage your children
to invite their friends home. If your children are reserved or are
having trouble making new friends, the home court advantage might make
getting to know someone new that much more comfortable. Having your
children’s friends at your home can also give you the peace of mind of
knowing who they are with and what they are doing.
- If your children’s
friends are new to you, get to know their families. Make an informal
call to introduce yourself. Say "hello" when other parents drop
their children off at your home and talk with them at school events.
- Offer to chaperone school
events or volunteer at school. These are wonderful opportunities to see
how your children and their friends socialize and to get to know what
interests them.
- Do your legwork. If
your child says he or she is going to a friend’s house after school, make
a call to find out if your child has arrived and that there is someone
responsible for supervision.
Helping your child deal with
negative peer pressure
Regardless of how carefully
your children choose their friends, there are going to be times when someone or
something (such as media images, movies and music) might influence your child in
a negative way. Following are some ways parents can help prepare kids to resist
negative pressure:
Allow family members to express
differing opinions. Talking things out allows kids to feel comfortable about
being unique. Kids who aren’t allowed to express different thoughts or ideas
at home will most likely be ill prepared to resist peer pressure.
- Books such as How to Talk
So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish and You and Your Adolescent: A Parent’s Guide for Ages
10 to 20 by Lawrence Steinberg and Ann Levine include suggestions on how
to keep the lines of communication open with your pre-teen and how to teach
decision-making skills.
- Talk openly with your
children about tough issues.
- For tips on discussing drugs
and alcohol, check the National PTA web site: http://www.pta.org/parentinvolvement/drugalcohol/
or http://www.talkingwithkids.org/drugs.html.
- For tips on talking with
your child about smoking, go to http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/smoking.html.
- Role playing can be a fun
way for your children to rehearse their reactions to peer pressure and other
uncomfortable situations. Studies have shown that when kids are able to
"practice" their reactions, they are more likely to respond
assertively in real life.
- If your child has a sudden
change in behavior and you can’t determine its cause, enlist the help of
his or her teachers and guidance counselors who can be your eyes and ears at
school. School professionals can help provide insight into what’s normal
and what isn’t and who or what your child may be involved with.
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permission to reprint this article, please contact the
Capital Region BOCES Communications Service at (518)
464-3960.
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