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Bully. The word conjures up very
specific images for people. Whether it was mild teasing on the playground or a
more harsh form of physical abuse, nearly everyone has had the misfortune of
being bullied at some time during their lives.
Once considered just part of being
a kid, bullying is no longer being shrugged off so readily. Perhaps this is
because so many adults know how it feels to be picked on and understand that
bullying can leave long-lasting emotional scars. Or maybe it is because we are
now seeing that bullying can lead to violence against others (In each of the
nation’s recent school shootings, the shooter had been a victim of bullying).
Regardless, a movement is underway
to stop bullying in schools, before it becomes a much more serious problem.
Common characteristics of
bullying
Bullying is generally:
- Physical -- hitting, kicking,
taking or damaging the victim’s property;
- Verbal -- using words to
hurt or humiliate;
- Relational --spreading rumors,
excluding a person from the peer group; or
- Sexual -- using suggestive words
or inappropriate touch.
Bullying usually occurs between
individuals who are not friends. The bully may be bigger, tougher, stronger,
more intimidating, or more influential in excluding others from their social
group.
Bullying has three specific
characteristics that sets it apart from normal name calling or rough housing:
- There is a power difference
between the bully and the victim.
- The bully intends to hurt,
embarrass or humiliate the other person.
- The behavior is
repeated-sometimes with others or with the same person over time.
Helping your child deal
with bullies
Laura Combs, a school social worker
and counselor who works with teachers and families on violence prevention,
offers the following suggestions:
Identify the problem -- Combs says
often children who have been bullied may not want to talk about it. Signs that
your child has a problem are sometimes obvious- a torn shirt or complaints of
feeling ill to avoid going to school-or the evidence may be more subtle. If you
sense there is something troubling your child, you should listen carefully to
what she does offer about her school day and try to draw her out ("So you
didn’t like riding the bus today? Did something happen that made you feel
uncomfortable?" "Did you have a good time at soccer practice? No? Why
not?"). Before choosing what action to take, Combs recommends getting as
much information as you can from your child.
Decide what to do about it
-- Different situations will warrant different approaches. If your child is being
picked on by another child while moving from class to class, you might recommend
that he change the route he takes or that he stick close to the hall monitor.
Often a change of scenery or the presence of authority is enough to end the
situation. If you believe your child is experiencing physical threats or abuse,
you should alert the guidance office or administration.
Regardless of the action you and
your child take, the key is to help your child believe she is capable of solving
the problem for herself. "Your reaction speaks volumes to your child,"
says Combs. "If you treat her like a victim, then that is how she is likely
to view herself."
Other suggestions
In his book Why is Everybody
Always Picking on Me? A Guide to Handling Bullies, Dr. Terrence
Webster-Doyle offers young people a variety of strategies for dealing with
bullies. He reminds kids that different situations may call for different
approaches. For example:
- Make friends. Treat the bully as
a friend instead of an enemy.
- Use humor. You can try to turn a
threatening situation into a funny one.
- Walk away. Don’t get into it;
just get out.
- Agree with the bully. Let
insults go without fighting back.
- Refuse to fight. The winner of a
fight is the one who avoids it.
- Stand up to the bully. Stick up
for yourself. Just say "No!" to bullying.
- Scream and yell. A powerful
shout can end conflict before it starts.
- Ignore the threat. Be like
bamboo and bend in the wind.
- Use authority. Call a parent,
teacher, principal, or guidance counselor to help you defeat the bully.
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