|
|
Bullying has become a problem
virtually everywhere. Recent news reports tell of a father and son who jumped
from the stands to tackle a coach for the Kansas City Royals. National magazines
and talk show guests focus on cliques and how truly mean girls can be to each
other. And no doubt your own children have seen, heard about or experienced
bullying.
School officials understand the
impact this problem can have on a school environment. More than a physical
threat, bullying creates a climate of fear and makes learning difficult for all
students
Bystanders: The third party
to bullying
Traditionally, bullying
prevention programs focused on the two most obvious parties to the crime, the
bully and the victim. However, new approaches now highlight the important role
the witness or bystander can play in stopping bullies in their tracks.
In their book Bullies and
Victims: Helping Your Child Through the Schoolyard Battlefield, authors Suellen
Fried and Paula Fried write: "Though there is conflicting data about the
percentage of children who are identified as victims, the majority of
students...are neither bullies nor victims, they are witnesses to the
bullying." Educators are hoping that harnessing the strength of these
numbers may be what turns the bullying trend around.
Consider the following:
- Bystanders are harmed by
bullying. If students feel powerless to put an end to bullying, they may
experience fear, sadness, anger, guilt or shame. All these can make learning
difficult.
- Bystanders often become part
of the problem. With pre-adolescents, peer pressure and a desire to fit in
will color most of the decisions they make. When confronted with the ominous
question, "Whose side are you on?" many will side with the bully,
which makes the problem worse.
- There is no such thing as an
innocent bystander. Simply knowing that bullying is taking place and yet not
taking action makes the witness as much a part of the problem as the bully.
However, standing up for others can take a lot of courage.
Helping your children take a
stand
Encouraging your children to
help prevent bullying may seem like a good idea in theory, but there are a lot
of factors — fear of retaliation being foremost — that can discourage them
from taking a stand. Here are some ways you can help:
- Talk with your children
about bullying. Ask them about what they witness at school. Keep the lines
of communication open so that you will likely be the one they confide in.
- Let kids know it is okay to
report bullying. Make it safe for your children to tell you about the things they have
seen and what bothers them. Although your first instinct might be to tell
your children how to respond or, even worse, to downplay bullying as a
natural rite of passage, try to listen and keep your responses neutral.
- Help your child empathize
with the victim. It is much easier for kids to turn a blind eye if the
person being wronged is not a friend or is an unpopular student. Talk with
your children about how they would feel if they or one of their close
friends were in the victim's shoes.
- Work with your child to
develop strategies to help those who are being bullied. For example, if
gossip is being spread about someone they know, you can counsel your
children to counter it with the truth. The book Cliques: 8 Ways to Help Your
Child Survive the Social Jungle by Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret
Sagarese includes suggestions for discouraging different types of bullying.
- Enlist the help of others.
Bystanders far outnumber the bullies. With children who are hesitant to help
stop bullying, the aid of a sympathetic friend or two might make the
difference.
- Know what mechanisms are in
place within the school for reporting bullying. If kids are going to feel
courageous enough to get involved, they need to know there are supportive
adults who they can trust to help. Talk with school social workers, guidance
counselors or the principal about how students can safely report incidences
of bullying. (Read more about
Draper's Bully Beware program here.)
The ugly faces of bullying
Bullying can take several
forms:
- Physical — hitting,
kicking, stealing or damaging the victim's property.
- Verbal — using words to
hurt or humiliate.
- Relational — spreading
rumors, excluding a person from the peer group.
- Prejudicial — making
racial slurs, making fun of cultural, religious or other differences.
- Sexual harassment — using
suggestive words or inappropriate touch.
Bullying usually occurs between
individuals who are not friends. The bully may be bigger, tougher, or have the
power to exclude others from their social group.
Lots of kids joke around with
each other. This may include name-calling or rough housing, but these incidents
are not necessarily bullying. Bullying has three characteristics that sets it
apart:
- There is a power difference
between the bully and the victim.
- The bully intends to hurt,
embarrass or humiliate the other person.
- The behavior is repeated —
sometimes with others, with the same person, or with the same
person over time.
Books
and websites for more information on bullying:
FOR
PARENTS:
-
Cliques:
8 Steps to Help Your Child Survive the Social Jungle by Charlene C.
Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese
-
The
Safe Child Book: A Commonsense Approach to Protecting Children and Teaching
Children to Protect Themselves by Sherryll Kraizer
-
What
to Do...When Kids Are Mean to Your Child (What to Do Parenting Guides, Vol.
1) by Elin McCoy
-
Odd
Girl Out: The Culture of Hidden Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
-
Queen
Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip,
Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman
FOR
KIDS:
-
Why
is Everybody Always Picking on Me? A Guide to Handling Bullies
by Terrence Webster-Doyle
-
Stick
Up for Yourself! Every Kid’s Guide to Personal Power and Positive
Self-Esteem by Gershen Kaufman, Ph.D. and Lev Raphael, Ph.D.
-
Bullies
Are a Pain in the Brain by Trevor Romain
-
Cliques,
Phonies & Other Baloney by Trevor Romain
-
www.kidshealth.org
(keyword search: bullying) This not-for-profit website organized into
sections for parents, kids and teens offers a wealth of practical advice (in
both English and Spanish) on a range of topics including bullying.
>
Back
For
permission to reprint this article, please contact the
Capital Region BOCES Communications Service at (518)
464-3960.
|
|
