| Ever wonder why some teens seem to sail through the tumultuous teenage years while others buckle under the pressures? Obviously there are many
factors—both inside the home and, increasingly, outside your walls, that play into how well teens fare. However, there is one common trait that successful and independent teens seem to
share—a healthy dose of resilience.
What makes a resilient teen?
* Resilience is the ability to roll with life's punches. Some of us are born with more resilience—others need to work harder to develop this ability.
* Resilience is a skill that helps teens weather the high school years and will serve them well throughout their lives. And the good news is that resilience is something you can help your teen develop.
* Resilience is built from success with life's daily challenges such as increasingly complex schoolwork or difficulties with friends and family. It can also come from doing well with teenage milestones such as securing a part-time job or learning to drive.
Ways to encourage resilience in teens
Although they may look all grown up, teens still need lots of positive encouragement and guidance from you. The trick is finding a way to offer direction and let them know you love them without squashing their confidence and their desire to try things their own way. Obviously, each teen is an individual and what motivates one may not work with another.
However, there are a few tried and true ways to help nurture your teens' resilience and, subsequently, their independence. These include:
Allowing teens to speak their minds and ask for what they need in non-aggressive ways. During the teen years, kids begin to think more critically (issues have more gray areas/become less black or white). They are also beginning to see their parents as the fallible humans they are. This combination of insight can lead to teens forcefully speaking their minds or blaming parents when things don't go the way they'd like. Becoming a patient and neutral listener and trying not to buy into power struggles is key. This lets teens know that you value their opinion and the thought that has gone into it, but are not willing to communicate in a dramatic or abusive way. Your example is one that they (hopefully) will take to heart and practice in their other daily communications.
Encouraging teens to problem solve and make decisions. As parents, our first instinct is to protect our children from the less appealing parts of life and keep them from making unwise choices. However, as they get older we have less direct ability to steer teens' lives. Teens want and need to make more of their decisions. This is how they forge their own identities. And when parents weigh in too heavily on issues that are inconsequential (e.g., hair color, clothing styles) or that teens believe they have under control, conflicts are likely to arise. Allowing them freedom to make choices and mistakes lets them know that you trust in their abilities. However, you need to make it clear that if they abuse your trust or make choices that are unwise or unsafe, there can be unfavorable, even serious, consequences (e.g., losing the right to drive the family car, loss of a job because he/she shows up late, inability to get into a preferred college because of poor grades). Also, make it clear that you are there to help if they ask or when you feel they are truly in over their heads.
Continuing to set limits/provide supervision. Though it is important that families find ways to gradually allow teens more freedom and responsibility, it is also important to continue to supervise their comings and goings and set limits (e.g. curfews, rules for Internet usage, knowing that parents will be present at the parties they attend). The teen brain is a work in progress. Teens tend to act impulsively and take risks because they lack the ability to understand the possible effects of dangerous or inconsiderate behavior. For this reason, there will be times when you'll need to apply the brakes and help your teens see the implications of their decisions through your adult lens.
Letting your teens know you love them for the unique people they are.
Tap into what interests your teens most and express a sincere interest in it. Ask about the movie they saw over the weekend or the songs that top their MP3 playlist. Though video game designer may not be the career you envisioned for your teen and Kanye West may not be your idea of a musician for the ages, asking about what excites them lets teens know that you care about and love the unique person they are becoming.
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