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Parents of infants and toddlers spend a lot of time and energy trying to protect their children from physical and emotional harm by "baby-proofing" their homes, kissing boo-boos, and arranging play dates so their children have friends when they start school.
But once children reach school age, the line gets a bit fuzzy between knowing when it's okay for parents to intervene and when it's better to step back and let their children figure things out on their own.
Is my child too dependent?
A certain level of dependency on their parents or caregivers is acceptable and necessary for children, especially when it comes to such essentials as food, shelter, clothing, and love. But if elementary school-age children are too reliant on their parents for help in making simple decisions, that could be a red flag they may need some coaching to become more independent.
"Early elementary-aged children should be independent enough to dress and bathe themselves, brush their hair and teeth, and make their bed—essentially following routines established by parents," says a school social worker. "However, every child has a different developmental level, so it's important for parents to offer guidance or assistance if their children seem frustrated or confused."
Research also shows that children who are overly dependent tend to shy away from social situations and have trouble making friends. They may lack confidence and may be less assertive in the classroom and elsewhere.
Teachers expect that by the middle of a child's elementary school years, they should be able to remember on their own to bring home their homework assignments, make time to study, and know when school projects are due.
Developing independence
"As parents, we want to do everything we can to protect our children from uncomfortable situations," says the mother of a third- and seventh-grader. "However, at some point we must let our kids get their feet wet and trust they will make sensible decisions based on what we've taught them."
Parents who are unwilling or don't know how to let their children gain appropriate independence as they mature may find their children face lifelong consequences.
"Children who are smothered by well-intentioned parents can become adults who remain dependent on their parents, struggle to establish a sense of self, and have difficulty making decisions," say authors Laurie Ashner and Mitch Meyerson in their book
When Parents Love Too Much.
There is no single right way to help children develop their independence throughout childhood, but here are some general guidelines to consider.
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Foster independence and responsibility in stages.
Children's independence and responsibility will grow when they are encouraged to tackle small tasks at first (choosing their own outfits, making their own school lunches, etc.) and then take on bigger, more challenging responsibilities (staying home alone for short periods of time, completing a school project or studying for a test without help, etc.)
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Let children make their own decisions for some things. Research shows that children whose parents provide some freedom in decision-making learn to be more independent and responsible for their actions and are more likely to succeed in school and later in life. For instance, let your children decide if they want to do their homework before or after dinner. Flexibility on your part can pay large dividends when your children follow through on their commitments.
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Offer guidance to situations, but don't control them. Children often learn how to make their own decisions when parents refrain from telling them what to do and bailing them out of sticky situations. Instead, parents can guide their children by being good listeners and asking questions that help them think about solutions. For example, if a child's coach doesn't let him play in a game, a parent can encourage the child to ask the coach what he can do in order to play more. If parents try to fix their children's problems for them—in this example by demanding that the coach let the child play in the next game—the child is denied the opportunity to learn to solve problems independently.
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Let children make and learn from their mistakes. As hard as it may be, sometimes parents have to let their children face disappointment or rejection in order to learn how to solve problems and make good choices. And while this may be tough for parents, kids will learn that they can bounce back and will continue to tackle challenges.
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