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Getting picked on
used to be considered an unpleasant but largely unavoidable rite of passage for
some children. Today, educators and counselors know that victims of bullying
often carry the emotional scars well into their adult lives.
Bullying tends to
peak during the middle school years, but elementary school-age children are no
strangers to this destructive kind of behavior.
If you haven't
witnessed it yourself, ask your children. Chances are good they've seen it, and
with a little encouragement, may be willing to discuss the details.
There are so many
ways for kids to be mean and technologies like the Internet and instant
messaging (IM) have only expanded the ways kids spread rumors and harass each
other.
In fact
bullying can take many forms. These include:
Physical:
hitting, kicking, stealing or damaging someone's property.
Verbal:
using words to hurt or humiliate.
Relational:
spreading rumors, excluding a person from the peer group.
Prejudicial:
making racial slurs, making fun of cultural, religious or other differences.
Sexual harassment:
using suggestive words or inappropriate touch.
Bullying usually
happens between people who aren't friends. Bullies may be bigger, tougher or
have the power to exclude others from their social group.
Sure, kids joke
around and this often includes name-calling or rough-housing. But these
incidents are not necessarily bullying. Bullying has three key characteristics
that set it apart:
There is a power
difference between the bully and the victim.
The bully intends
to hurt, embarrass or humiliate the other person.
The behavior is
repeated - sometimes with others, with the same person or with the same person
over time.
Teachers, social
workers and school psychologists say that name-calling, exclusion and relational
bullying, increasingly common among girls during
the upper
elementary years, are the types of bullying they see most often.
Elementary schools tackle
bullying head-on
Early education is key to
preventing bullying. All New York State schools are required to have clear
policies on how bullying will be handled. They must also incorporate lessons on
character education from kindergarten through grade 12.
During the
elementary years, children are taught how to resolve conflicts peacefully, to
accept others' differences and to work well as part of a team. Children who
learn tolerance and can get along with all kinds of people are less likely to
become bullies as teens and adults.
Another goal of
character education in our elementary schools is to help children develop good
coping skills they can draw on if they are victims of bullying. In elementary
classrooms, children may listen to and discuss books on this topic or role-play
ways to resolve problems - such as what to do if someone won't make room for a
child to sit at the lunch table. Children are also encouraged to talk with their
teacher or work one-on-one or in small groups with school social workers and
counselors to learn good coping skills.
Helping children resist
bullying
Though lessons in
school are important, what children see and hear at home is even more powerful
in influencing behavior. Following are some ways families can help teach their
children how to be safe and resist bullying.
• Talk with your
children, everyday, about anything and everything. Take the time each day to ask
your children open ended questions - those that require more than a
"yes," "no" or "nothing" to answer. Ask about
friends, school, their likes and dislikes and patiently listen to what they
answer. These daily conversations will give you insight into their lives outside
your home and may provide clues if something is troubling them. They will also
be more likely to bring their concerns to you first if you are a patient and
sympathetic listener.
• Practice
what you preach.
By responding
calmly to stressful situations and being tolerant of others' differences, you
send a positive message to your children about how to act.
• Teach your
children how to stay safe and stand up for themselves and others. For example:
look a bully in the eye, stand tall, use a firm voice, walk away from a conflict
and find a trustworthy adult to talk to. Help them practice these skills; these
behaviors don't always come naturally for children.
• Teach the
difference between "tattling" and "telling." Children
"tattle" when they want to get someone in trouble, look good in
someone else's eyes or have an adult solve their problem. Children are
"telling" when they want protection for themselves or someone else,
are scared or are in danger. Unlike "tattling", "telling" is
something you want to encourage.
• Encourage
involvement in constructive activities. Bullies tend to pick on children who are
loners. Encourage your children to make meaningful friendships and toward
adult-supervised clubs and activities.
IF YOU THINK YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED...
Call the school to
report any incidents of bullying. Talk with your child's teacher(s), principal,
school counselor or social worker about what you know and discuss ways you can
work together to solve the problem.
How to tell if
your child is the victim of bullying
Often, children
who are bullied won't tell out of shame, fear of retaliation or feelings of
hopelessness. Here are some signs to watch for that might signal a problem with
a bully:
• Subtle changes
in behavior (withdrawn, anxious, preoccupied, loss of interest in school or in
favorite activities.)
• Coming home
from school with bruises and scratches, torn or dirtied clothing or with missing
or damaged books and property.
• A loss of
appetite.
• Excessive
trips to the school nurse.
• An inability
to sleep, bad dreams, crying in sleep.
• Repeatedly
losing clothing, money or other valuables.
• Afraid or
reluctant to go to school in the morning.
• Repeated
headaches or stomachaches, particularly in the morning.
• Feeling
lonely.
• Sensitive or
withdrawn when asked about the day.
Source: National
PTA, http:/www.pta.org
Resources for parents on
character, problem-solving and bullying:
The Bully, the
Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School -How Parents and
Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso
Easing the
Teasing: Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal
Bullying by Judy S. Freedman
Nobody Knew What To Do: A Story About Bullying by Becky Ray McCain
How to Handle
Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name
Calling and Other Nonsense by Kate Cohen-Posey
Resources for children:
Ages 4-8
When Sophie
Gets Angry-Really, Really Angry... by Molly Bang
How To Be A Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them by Laurie
Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
The Meanest Thing To Say by Bill Cosby
The Brand New Kid by Katie Couric
Simon's Hook: A Story About Teases and Putdowns by Karen Gedig Burnett
Oliver Button Is a Sissy by Tomie dePaola
Be Good to Eddie Lee by Virginia Fleming
Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes
Hooway for Wodney Wat by Helen Lester
Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon by Patty Lovell
Goggles! by Ezra Jack Keats
Enemy Pie by Derek Munson
The Recess Queen by Alexis O'Neill
Coat of Many Colors by Dolly Parton
Mr. Lincoln's Way by Patricia Polacco
Muskrat Will Be Swimming by Cheryl Savageau
Don't Laugh at Me by Steve Seskin
Why Am I Different? by Norma Simon
Stop Picking on Me: A First Look at Bullying by Pat Thomas
The Other Side by Jacqueline Woodson
The Hating Book by Charlotte Zolotow
Ages 9-12
Stick Up for
Yourself! Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem by
Gershen Kaufman, Lev Raphael and Pamela Espeland
The Hundred Dresses by Eleanor Estes
Muslim Child: Understanding Islam Through Stories and Poems by Rukhsana
Khan
Sahara Special by Esme Raji Codell
The Star Fisher by Laurence Yep
Who Belongs Here?: An American Story by Margy Burns Knight
Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli
>
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